Making a Better Choice in the Heat of the Moment
artwork by Will OBrien on DeviantArt
A recent LinkedIn post of mine touched a nerve with quite a few people, so I thought it might be useful to go a bit deeper with it. I had suggested this hack to catch yourself when you get triggered by someone saying or doing something you find stupid or offensive. The idea, of course, is to stop yourself from spewing an overly heated response you'll regret later, and that might damage the relationship. The hack quite simply is this: as soon as you get triggered, ask yourself: who do I want to be right now? Clearly a lot of people recognize getting overtaken by anger, frustration, or indignation, and would like to be able to give a more considered response in the moment. But the question I got was: how do I actually manage to pause myself? I can see the benefit of the question, but I can't get there. Emotion takes over. I need a way to stop that from happening.
Trust me when I tell you that you will not be able to stop emotions from rising up. They will. But you can learn not to be swept up and away in them, but rather ride them like a wave so you can choose your response.
Think back to a particular moment when you were being triggered. I mean the kind of experience of being overtaken or carried away by flaring emotions, a sudden, heightened sense of being on alert. Close your eyes if it helps. Are you back there? How do you know you're triggered? What are the signals that tell you that? Sense, don't think. The first signals live in your body. They rise up as sensations such as a sudden feeling of heat rising to your face, a lurching heartbeat, sweaty palms, a clenching stomach, tension in your shoulders... Which of these, or any others, are happening for you when you get triggered?
When we feel threatened our primal defence mechanism (sometimes referred to as our lizard or reptile brain) kicks in faster than our rational thinking, so our response can get hijacked. But when you recognize your warning signals you can spot them earlier next time, and the time after that. They will keep flaring, but you'll expect it and notice them rising. It becomes a familiar sensation that you know how to deal with: ah, I'm flushed / my stomach is in a knot / my heart is racing - PAUSE! Focus on taking an inbreath and an outbreath. Don't worry about the people around you. They'll see you pausing for thought. They'll think you're reflecting, considering your answer. They won't know you're actually composing yourself. The time it takes you to inhale and exhale gives you the space to choose how you'll respond. Maybe it won't be perfect the first time you try it, but stick with it and it does eventually become second nature. And so you truly become more the person you want to be every time you pause and choose your response.
Do try to recognize your first warning signals and take a breath. It is a very practical thing you can do to pause yourself when you want to redirect. It'll become easy with practice. The only thing you need to make this work for you is a clear enough picture of the kind of person you want to be. That clarity lets you access your choice response in an instant. Have a think about that. Or let me help you.
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