Courageous Conversations
I finally had the conversation. The big one I'd been sitting on for way too long. Because it was going to be difficult for me to say what I needed to say, difficult for the other person to hear, and life changing. And it was all of those things. And now that I've had it, I can't believe I didn't have it much earlier. So much life wasted!
Perhaps I'd also put the conversation off until I was absolutely certain that I had to have it, and I'd taken time to prepare for it. I don't want to make life changing decisions on an impulse.
Even when you "just" have to have a tough but important conversation at work, it pays to prepare yourself for it. Not only will your chances of getting the outcome you want be higher; knowing what you will say and how you will handle yourself can give you the confidence you need to have the conversation at all.
Steady Yourself
Have you actually made the decision? Think carefully. This may get painful, so let it be worth it. What do you hope to gain from having the conversation? What do you stand to lose if you don’t have it now?
Once you've decided to go ahead, tune into what thoughts, feelings, and sensations you're having when you project yourself in the conversation. Remind yourself that, since you can observe these thoughts, feelings and sensations, they are distinct from who you are, and they are fleeting. Sit with them until you feel you can tolerate them.
What makes conversations difficult is the discomfort we feel in making the other person hear uncomfortable things. So if you're thinking you're avoiding the conversation so as not to cause the other person discomfort, face up to the fact that you're avoiding your own discomfort, more than theirs. You're not being honest with the other person as long as you're not talking about something that is important enough that it stands in the way of the two of you having a trusting, mutually reinforcing relationship. Choosing to have that conversation honours the trust between you. It is the courageous thing to do.
Prepare the Conversation
Raising the thorny issue can be the hardest thing. Think about whether you want to let the other person know beforehand that you want to talk about this topic, for example by scheduling a meeting with a brief agenda. Or do you want a more informal setting, for example by pulling them aside for a private chat next time you run into each other?
Which ever way you choose to initiate the conversation, lead with your main message. Do not beat around the bush. The other person will sense something important is about to be shared; don't keep them guessing. Say what needs to be said, and then elaborate with reasons why or any context that may help the person process your news. Leading with your key point also raises the odds it is received, particularly if the person is likely to interrupt or argue.
You don't need to script the entire conversation, but preparing an outline will be a huge help. Have a few bullet points ready to refer to when you're getting flustered in the face of discomfort. It will help you stay you on point. Capture
how you'll open the conversation,
what your key message is,
How you'll say it,
What reasons for this decision or ask you will share,
Asking the other person for their thoughts if they don't respond unprompted
What will happen next
Where applicable: what support or resources are available to the person
Anticipate Resistance
From the many times I've partnered with executives who had to communicate decisions that have a profound impact on a person they know well, I've learnt that the toughest resistance lies within yourself. You really do not want to cause the other person pain: you are a good person. The thought of inflicting pain clashes with you seeing yourself as a good person. Let me reassure you: the kindest, most respectful thing you can do for the other person is to be honest with them. Imagine you were at the receiving end. How would you feel if someone was thinking for example that if you don't change this, you'll find yourself out of a job, but wasn't telling you. Would you want to know?
Be prepared to accept a level of discomfort. You can't be all wrapped up in your own thoughts and feelings if you want to engage with another person.
Getting out of your own head also allows you to think about what resistance you can expect from the person receiving your message, and how you will respond to it. Do not argue with the person's points. Let them respond, say what they need to say. Better they say it to you. But be judicious about whether you will be swayed by what they are saying. If this matters, you'll have prepared well enough not to be met with surprises. Reconfirm your message if needed, and offer help. Clarity is kindest.
Get in touch if you’d like to take a deeper dive into how you can have your courageous conversation.
You may also want to read these:
Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott
Leading with emotional courage by Peter Bregman
Compassionate leadership - How to do hard things in a human way by Rasmus Hougaard, Jacqueline Carter