How to tell a tough truth and stay friends

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Telling someone something they really need to hear but probably won't like hearing can be so uncomfortable that we keep putting it off. We worry about making the other person feel hurt, and maybe about losing a relationship that we value. And deep down we worry about being the kind of person who makes other people uncomfortable. We want to think of ourselves as a good person who treats others with kindness and respect. This holding back results in frustration on our part that can build into resentment or impatience over time. Neither of which are terribly respectful: they don't give the other person an opportunity to see the effect their behaviour is having, and therefore no opportunity to change. If left unchecked, such frustration can erode a relationship beyond repair.

The more respectful way to treat people is to make them aware of the effect their actions are having on you. Unless you are able to let go of any irritation you have about it: then by all means let it go, and you never have to think or talk about it again. If you can't do that, you either talk to them about it or let it come between you. This is your first decision: can you let this thing go, or not?

In those cases where you decide talking to the person is the better path, ask yourself next: what do you want to achieve by talking to the person about their behaviour? And how does that outcome matter to the person you're going to be talking to? What's in it for you, and for them?

If your answers to these questions don't show you what you want to say to the person, maybe you can try again to let it go?

If they do, accept that it will be uncomfortable, and remind yourself that you are choosing the discomfort for the sake of the relationship. This is only worth doing for the right reasons, with an intention to strengthen the relationship between you, regardless of the issues that you are looking to address. You have to care enough about the person, the issue, and your relationship to have the conversation. So make it a true conversation. Invite the other person in: ask them whether they are prepared to listen to something you find difficult to say. Make space for them: let them talk at least as much as you do. Listen to what they say, and pay attention to how they are. Don't argue: at this point you want to understand better where you are each coming from, how you perceive things. That's often enough for a first conversation. You can continue another time, when you've both had some time to process, to find your common ground.

If you find it too much of a hurdle to talk about things people have done or said that cause you irritation or hurt, you could practice with positive things. Tell people when they've done something you really appreciated, or that they did particularly well. You'll find words to talk about this that you can use in more difficult conversations.

Or you could set the conversation up as a walk, if you're in real-life proximity. It is easier to say something difficult when you walk alongside someone than when you sit across from them. You don't have to look them in the eye, and there is a quality of  your moving forward together that spills over into the conversation. If you're only in virtual contact, you could walk together while you're talking over the phone. No video. You'll be surprised how much you can hear in someone's voice.

Do experiment with honest, caring conversations. I don't have a better tip for strong, personal relationships than this.

Get in touch if you’d like to take a deeper dive into how you can have your courageous, caring conversation.